In the company of shadows
i see my reflection in the shattered pieces of the mirror
lying across the floor
in the cracks of the walls, that my fingers trace
the broken glass that my skin cuts through
one step forward and three steps back
always pacing back and forth, on the sidelines
august came in, with a whirlwind of sonders
engulfing me into the universe, beyond
in the company of stars
it wasn't paradise
i later realized
up in the sky
cloudy mists shrouding my vision
walls that had started tumbling down
built back again
desperate winds, rushing past my frozen figure
pushing me back
into the nutshell.
People, people, endless noise. finally away from the chaos, those scrutinizing eyes.
I am overwhelmed with things I ought to have written about and never found the proper words. virginia woolf
Freshman year of college just ended. It was a rollercoaster to say the least. The myriad of times that I thought of doing this p̶u̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶, and my incapabality to brush off all my doubts and just click the button drove me insane. This insatiable desire of being seen, rather than hiding in the company of shadows - there's always something unsaid, some words you cannot utter. But the voices in my head, that never seem to shut up, the demons that hold me back from doing pretty much everything - "most days I am a museum of things I want to forget."
"you're living in a nutshell," someone told me. sure I was. This gauche self of mine, thought it was safe and sound, to be cramped up against these walls of the shell I had forged for myself, suffocating and claustrophobic at times, but safe, atleast. Where the only person who could hurt me was me.
But as soon as i stepped out, i instantly wished i hadn't. The truck of disepiphanies hit me- I'm not as impervious to the horde of people as i thought i was.
oh, how bad i wish i was.
30.09.2023
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